


forever, we are young

by starkofthronez



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Hopeful Ending, ha, if I can, im really making this tags like someone is really read, kinda sad ig, okay i will stop now, thats it, the title and the whole point of me writing this was inspired by bts, this is just me telling things that happend in my life till now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29213748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkofthronez/pseuds/starkofthronez
Summary: youth, the most beautiful moment in life, they said. but i guess that only can be beautiful if we let ourselves feel hopeful that it can be.(i really don't know what this is,i just had too much in my mind, i just had to let it out  ig)(english isnt my first language)





	forever, we are young

**Author's Note:**

> i love my parents even after everything, i just wish that they could love themselves, so they can love me.

i think the easiest way to remember something is when you focus on the emotions you were feeling at the moment that the memory occurred. thats why, when i try to remember the earliest memories of my childhood, the only thing that comes to my mind is the feeling of what i thought was happiness at the time, mixed with the loneliness that came for being a only child. is kinda scary, no matter how old you are, the possibility of feeling lonely is always there, looming behind us like a shadow.

so from that feeling, a want bloomed inside of me, i decided that i wanted a little sibling to keep me company, to just be there, with me. and funny enough, my parents granted my wish (by accident, as i discovered as the time went by, but that's not so important, yet), and then, there she was, my little sister, and the love that i felt when i saw her for the first time is still impossible to put into words, even today, 13 year later, all i know is that the love only grows.

then, from an only child, i became an older sister, and that changed me. but that was a gradual change, as i grew older, i realized that i wanted to be the best version of myself, to be someone that she was proud of calling her big sister. i just wished my mother would've thought the same thing about being our parent.

our mother always was a independent woman, she was always good with her work, and took pride in being one of the best in her own field, she was the one that was always working, but it was okay because i had my father, they were good, i really believe that was a time that they were really happy, my favorite memory of them together is when they were dancing in one of my dad’s birthdays, from only looking at them, in that moment that was filled with pure joy for being with someone, that was that first time that i tought “they really love each other”. and that turned out to be just a wishfull thinking of a child, because some time after that my dad had an affair. and that was the first time that our little family just broke into pieces, but no one at the time really realized that, not even my own parents.

it happened with little changes, they slept in separate rooms, my sister sleeping with mom and i sleeping with dad. we were pretty young at the time, my sister being only 6 years old and i 10, she barely can remember the things that happened, she can’t remember how they refused to tell us what was really happening with our family, she can’t remember how, in just a normal day, our mother told us that our father was going to work in another city for an undetermined amount of time, and that was it, that was the only thing that was said about it. we lived in a small town, so all of a sudden everyone knew my dad was going away but no one knew why, including his own daughters. for us, it was simply implied that our parents were separating, and that marked the beginning of countless miscommunications between all of us.

my mom changed after that, she was working even more, partying on the weekends, sometimes forgetting to pick us up in school, even if we laugh about it now, that time was really hard. we never really spent time with her, because she was always either stressed or tired, we didn’t spoke much with dad too, it was too awkward. we were supposed to act like everything was okay, so we did exactly that. i just wanted my mom to feel happy again even if it meant that i wouldn't spend much time with her, and my sister was okay. i was stressing left and right, but i decided to just focus on reading and listening to music and just fulfill my role as an okay child.

in 2017, i was set to start in a new school in the city that my dad lived in, so i went, even if it meant leaving my little sister with my mom, it was not my best big sister moment. months after, i came back to the place i called home to spend my vacation, and to my surprise, i came back to a strange man living at our house, that i later found out from my sister that he was our mom’s boyfriend. in any other instance, i would be happy for her, but the thing was, she never told me she was dating and invited the man to live in our house without even asking our insight, he was just there, and we’re supposed to accept, and that was what i did, i didn’t know better, things went downhill from there.

they fought a lot, my mom tried to tone down when i was at home, but i always knew. see, i never saw or heard my parents raise their voices in manner of anger at each other, not even once, so it was just infuriating. here it was, a strange guy and my mother just yeeling in each other's face, with me and my sister hearing everything, and the worst was that my sister had to live with this every other day while i was away. she is really the most precious person ever, she didn't deserve it , and she ignored it all, she can just turn off everything happening around her and just focus on whatever she was doing, is a gift and a curse really. that was our life at the time, and still is. we still did nothing, because mother knows best, right?

things became clearer as i grew, how my dad lived with such guilt and couldn't forgive himself, even after everything we were still close, i lived with him after all, i had to learn to separate things, how he was the worst husband at the end but he was a really good father for us, he talked, listened, and supported. he was the first one to finally talk about what happened, it was the least he could do, but still was a great first step. forgiving him is a work i do everyday, i just wished that he started the journey to try to make things right with mom and towards forgiving himself. maybe that's just the child inside of me having a wishful thinking again.

with my mom though , things are the opposite. she is a private woman, she likes her space, and you are never going to catch her having conversations with her daughters, about how she feels (sober, that is). she is really good at deceiving us and keeping secrets. one thing is a fact though, she will never let us in need of something material, always worrying about our studies, if we have materials for school, if we are in need for new clothes or shoes, she buys it. i’m grateful for that, it’s a privilege that not everyone can have. then in a night of july, was the day that i finally saw my mom in her true form, and it was a woman that felt a river of loneliness and broken trust in others, she finally told me what had happened in her relationship with dad, granted she was a little drunk, but the way the truths were coming out of her mouth, with a choked crying, was too much, i could feel it, her pain and mine just getting mixed in the air of the night. she revealed how she thought they would be together till they were old, how she really felt that my dad loved her, and when the betrayal happened she couldn't believe it was real, and later in the conversation my sister joined us, she told us something that, at first thought shouldn't have hurt so much. but as i kept thinking, all the signs were there since the beginning, how she just won’t spend a lot of time with us, but still distract us with presents so we won’t say nothing about the constante yelling between her and her boyfriend, how no matter how many times i try to say that this isn't fair for me or my sister, and even for her, because i know she deserves better, how she will always tell me that she want to break up with him because she doesn't this anymore, saying this to me just for not say anything about it anymore, because she doesn't really care for our opinion, she will deceive until the end.

and then, it clicked. 

describing the emotions that i felt, when i realized that me and my sister were a burden for our own mother, was horrible, how can someone so young cope with that? hell, how can anyone cope with something like that? one day, you just there trying to go through your life, trying to go through college and living away from half of your family, and then, your mom just tell you how she never wanted to have children, and then just jokingly telling you and your sibling that was better if you stayed with your dad, in another city, so she can travel with her boyfriend and have no worries. 

is ironic, how i wished so much to have a sibling while our own mother wasn't wishing us.

the ideal scenario for this would be my parents realizing that they need to heal themselves so they can become better people and better parents for us. i used think that this was an egoistic thing to imagine, but i learned that we all deserve better, we all deserve love, love is what really moves us, loving someone or loving yourself, and just living our lives in the best way we can,building relationships of any kind, it is hard, this is what i believe in, i’m not really in the mindset to achieve it, but i try, because if we can just try, is going to be enough. it has to be.

**Author's Note:**

> im not a writer btw but i tried


End file.
